


It's been a while but I still feel the same

by Lost_in_the_echo51



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, Jay Tomlinson's Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Break Up, Robin Twist's Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26064997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lost_in_the_echo51/pseuds/Lost_in_the_echo51
Summary: Harry and Louis have been broken up for about three years now but are still occasionally in contact over text messages. Somehow they are friends, but somehow they are not. But even after years of not seeing each other, Louis still feels the same for Harry like he did when they were together. That's why his whole world is turned upside down when he receives a phone call from Harry, whom he haven't talked to in person or on the phone in years.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 13
Kudos: 55





	It's been a while but I still feel the same

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first time I'm uploading something here, which is why I'm quite nervous. Feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you think. (:  
> Also, English is not my native language so please bear with me.

## It was always you.

Friday, October 11, 2019

He wants to call him.

He really does. Thumb hovering over the green button, like it has been so many times before, but he hesitates and then pulls back. 

Reminding himself that he can’t. He is not in the place for a phone call.  
He already texted him, about an hour ago. Half a day after the single dropped. Not too early that he seems clingy or desperate or kind of ‘I can’t let you go‘- like but also not too late that it seems like he is uninterested or like he doesn’t care anymore. 

He has thought about this long and hard. Wondering when he has started to worry about things like that. When to text or when to call someone in order to not make a wrong impression to the person receiving his message. 

And he immediately laughed. It was a dry and hollow laughter. More of a moment where all he really wanted to do was cry but he felt like he couldn’t handle the tears. He couldn’t let them out, they were pushed back way too deep inside as if they were anywhere close to falling. So all he could do was just laugh. 

Because that’s when he realized that he has never thought about stuff like that when it came to Harry. He has never speculated what Harry would think about something he texted him. He has never really questioned his choice of words or spent much time thinking if he would want to be contacted by him. He never second guessed anything in their communication because it all just came naturally. 

They just did what they felt like doing, always. And it was always their thing to talk in the most easy and uncomplicated way there could be, ever. Honesty and vulnerability in a relationship, let it be romantic or platonic, turns into reassurance and trust that leaves no room for lack of communication and the insecurities and emotional distance caused by that.

And that’s what they were. Uncomplicated, trusting, giving each other everything they had and opening their hearts for one another. 

So there really wasn’t a moment where Louis felt like he had to doubt that Harry wanted to talk to him. Or that he questioned any of his words for a deeper meaning or for its truthfullness because they said what they meant. They said what they wanted to say. Always. Turning to one another whenever they felt like it. 

Going from strangers to acquaintances in an hour, from acquaintances to friends in minutes and from friends to best friends in what felt like seconds. 

And it has been the first time ever in Louis‘ life that he felt a deeper connection to someone. That he felt like someone understood him and got him and on the same time fascinated him like no one else ever did. And like no one else ever could. 

And after some time of growing closer and closer, he began to question if maybe there was something like fate, even though he firmly didn’t believe in a higher force nor had he ever.  
But this whole thing with Harry, wonderful, beautiful, kind Harry, appearing in his life out of nowhere and turning everything upside down, taking a hold of him and somehow sneaking his way right into his heart without even trying to, becoming the most important person in his life in what felt like only a blink, couldn’t just be a coincidence. It just couldn’t be something that just happens. 

Something about that just must have been planned. There must have been someone up there somewhere creating them to fit so perfectly to each other in any way that two people can fit together. A match made in heaven. Two souls, finding together and completing each other. Almost like puzzle pieces. Made for the whole eternity. Meant to be together forever. 

Oh how wrong he was. 

________ 

The last time he has seen Harry had been the day of his mom’s funeral. And it was unexpected because he didn’t have to appear. He really didn’t. Of course it was a nice thing to do, considering how well he’d know her. That she had become an important figure in his life as well, close to a second mother. He knew it from all the times he saw them talking to each other. When they were visiting her. Or when she was visiting them. 

And Louis never had a single doubt, even in the beginning when she didn’t even know Harry yet that she’d be absolutely fond of him within a second. That he’d wrap her around his little finger just like he did with everyone else around him. Those dimples, green eyes and curls just being a heart-throb that no one could ever take their eyes away from. And he was right. 

They got along perfectly from the start and he knew, even before she came to him one night, after they had invited her for dinner at their apartment, fajitas, one of Harry’s signature dishes, just to tell him how amazing she found him. That she absolutely adored him and understood the way that Louis himself had been completely gone for him since the second he saw him for the first time. 

And like that she supported the relationship they built, loving them together, being happy, knowing that there was no one she’d rather want her son to be with, because these boys just seemed to be made for each other. Well, looks like she was wrong too. 

And of course she was just as heartbroken as he was when he came to her and told her. At first, when he had looked at her, lying in the hospital bed, hooked up to a thousand machines that seemed to suck the life out of her instead of helping her like they should, he had promised himself not to tell her. To not bring her any bad news, that seemed to be all that she was receiving those days. 

But somehow he still ended up telling her, because of course she noticed that something was wrong when he appeared there, an hour later then promised, eyes red and puffy, a look of distress on his face that he just couldn’t hide. Especially not from her. And she begged him to tell her, even though he didn’t want to, eaten up by the feeling that compared to her struggle a break-up just seemed like a laughable thing. 

A small wound. Frustrating, a little annoying, painful, but something that would stop hurting after a while. It was only a matter of time until it would heal. And of course it hurt, but it was still something that would pass after some time. Other than her problem.

But as she didn’t stop asking and nagging him he just couldn’t hold it back anymore. It’s never been easy for him to keep things from her so he just let it all out and collapsed in her arms, accepting once again the comfort and the safety that only his mother‘s embrace could bring him. And he let her comfort him even though he thought that it was her who really needed comfort. 

Because she was the one who was sick. It was her who's time was running out and it was so unfair because she was left with no choice and the last thing she would ever want to do was to leave this world and her family, the people she cared most about, behind. And he knew how it was tearing her apart, knowing that the day it all would end was coming closer and closer, but there was nothing she could do about it.

So he felt pathetic and stupid, and a little bit selfish, for crying about a silly break-up when she was laying in front of him looking less and less alive each day. When it was her who was slowly dying. 

But she told him that it was okay. That she would always be there to talk and listen to his problems, no matter how small they might appear to him. And that hearing about his life was so much better than talking about the giant elephant that was growing and growing in the room.

That her time was running out. That she was about to leave this world and there was nothing that could help her anymore. That all that she had left was a few months or even just weeks.

And it was one of the first times he had gone in there without Harry. Normally they would go together, Harry driving him to the hospital when he felt like he wasn’t able to drive himself and holding his hand all the way they walked to her room and when they walked out after the visiting hour ended, hopeless and completely destroyed. Worried that it could have been the last day he would ever see her. 

He had held his hand at times he needed it, despite every problem they might have had. Every argument, difficulty, complication and tension between them being blown away the minute they stepped into the hospital. Only to appear again, darker and more frightening each time when they left again, approaching their car, immediately letting go of each other’s hands that just didn’t feel right to hold onto anymore. So they let go, not looking at each other until they got into the car and drove home, in complete silence, both knowing that they'd run out of words to say a long time ago.

But still, even after their ways parted she had told him how Harry showed up one more time, close to the very end, not saying much but a goodbye and he still remembers how he received the card he had written for all of them, their whole family with all of his siblings, his step-father and her parents, mourning her death. 

And that card was followed by a short visit that they spent awkwardly standing in front of each other, both not knowing what to say. Harry had shown up at their house completely unexpected, leaving his siblings in a short moment of joy after two unbearable weeks when they saw him, because of course they all loved Harry. They had from the start. 

But the joy of seeing him slowly turned into confusion when they felt the tension built up as soon as Louis appeared in the hallway and spotted Harry standing on the doorstep, a sad smile on his face and a bunch of lilies in his hand. And Lottie of course immediately knew what to do and lead the others to the kitchen so Louis and Harry could talk in private. Just that they didn’t. 

They just stood there in front of each other, exchanging small glances, but looking away right afterwards, trying to avoid eye contact, both fiddling with their fingers, not knowing what to say. That’s until Harry started to talk. His low, deep voice filled the room and left goosebumps all over Louis‘ body immediately because that was that moment, where he realized how much he had missed that voice, and its owner of course who stood in front of him in his black trousers and flowered button-up and with his mesmerizing green eyes that didn’t leave Louis‘ for a second when he spoke. 

And he told him how sorry he was for their loss and how much he admired Louis‘ strength in this, given the fact that his mom always used to be one of the most important people in his life. That’s because she hadn't only been his mother, but his confidante, his safe place and of course his best friend.

And he was so gentle and careful with what he said as if he was scared that Louis would break down the next minute. And to be honest, he was close to. He really was. Seeing Harry again felt like if suddenly there was a door being pushed open that had been locked for way too long. All the emotions that he had spent all this time trying to hide by burying them deep inside him were now begging to come out. 

And suddenly he felt like screaming. Because not having his mom around hurt more than anything had ever hurt him before and because it was so unfair that she had been taken away from this world so soon and that he would never see her again, and secondly because seeing Harry again made him realize how much he had missed him as well. More than he ever thought he would.

It had been only two months and of course he had spent the time struggling with other things, but he still did. More than he ever thought he would be.

He missed him so much. And he felt like screaming about how unfair this world is and that he wanted it all to just stop. It was too much and he felt like he just couldn’t take it anymore.  
And he was so close to do so. To really scream. But he didn’t. It really took all the strength he had not to, but he somehow managed to hold it all inside and just thank Harry for his concern, for showing up and caring and for the flowers. His voice was trembling but somehow he managed to stay calm. Luckily. 

And after Harry had left, he spent a long time in the hallway, sitting on the stairs, not quite able to move, trying to comprehend what had just happened. 

And he had really thought that would be it. That this would be the last time he would see him. But it turned out he was wrong again because of course Harry showed up a month later to her funeral. Louis would lie if he said he hadn’t seen it coming. And he would also lie if he said there wasn’t a part of him hoping to see him. To be able to catch one last glimpse of him, even though his presence itself would just be another reason for him to cry. Another reminder of what he had lost. 

But still seeing him there was somehow comforting as well. Even though he would have understood very well if he had chosen to not show up since he had already talked to him in person and sent a card with a few kind words for his family. Louis was pretty sure that no one would have blamed him if he hadn’t shown up. But he still did. 

And it was nice, but it was not necessary. But that’s just how Harry is. Noble and kind and caring. And somehow…perfect. Of course he is. He just had to be. 

______

Unexpectedly they began to talk again a few months after the funeral. It was when Louis found out that Harry‘s stepfather Robin just had been diagnosed with cancer. And that it was relatively hopeless. 

At first he couldn’t believe it when he heard it. Liam actually mentioned it in a phone call, clearly unaware that Louis didn’t know, and for a few minutes he was stuck in shock, unable to comprehend what he had just heard, thinking about Harry, who was facing the same struggle that he himself had been facing only a year ago. 

And after hours and hours of overthinking and hesitating and speculating he decided to text him. He just had to. After hearing what Harry and his family were currently going through, he just couldn't stay quiet. He had to contact him. To support him, if that was even possible and to show him, that he was not alone. That there were people understanding him. People who know what it feels like to be in the position that he was in. Hoping that maybe sending Harry this message would help him, even if it was just a little bit. At first Louis had wanted to call him, but the chance that he would start to cry as soon as he heard his voice or that they both wouldn’t know what to say after not communicating with each other for months, was way too high so he had decided to send him a text message instead. 

__

Harry,  
I know that we haven’t talked in a while but I just heard about Robin’s diagnose and just had to text you. I hope you understand. I was absolutely distraught about the news and wanted to let you know how sorry I am and that I am sending you all my love and strength to help you all going through this hard time. Louis

__

And he still remembers the pure adrenaline and anxiety that he felt rushing through his veins the minute after he hit send. And then the fear that he wouldn’t receive an answer. Hours passed by and he began to scold himself for ever thinking that sending that message was a good idea. They weren’t talking for fucks sake. They were broken up. 

And the fact that he only knew about the diagnose because Liam accidentally mentioned it towards him, showed that he was never meant to know. Of course not, why would he? They were not together anymore. They didn’t communicate in any way. He really had no business to know what was happening in Harry’s life. And he still doesn’t. 

And his regret kept growing as he started to hate himself for sending that text, wishing he could just erase it but it was too late. Harry had already seen it. 

And Louis still remembers the wave of shock that rolled through his body when his phone bleeped with a message the next day. A message from Harry. The response he thought he’d never get but that was now visible on his screen and just wouldn’t disappear no matter how many times he blinked. Meaning it was real. That it was not just an imagination.

So after minutes or maybe even hours of just staring at the notification he decided to open it. Slowly, as if a sudden movement would make it disappear again, hands shaking as he unlocked his phone and opened the message. 

Thank you for your kind words. It doesn’t look good but it still helps a lot to know that people care. Thanks again, H. 

He had to read through it five times to actually understand the words that Harry wrote and it took him several hours to come up with a proper response to that, which he typed with trembling fingers before he turned his phone off and threw it to the other side of the room  
and he spent the rest of the day sitting on his sofa in silence, the only noise in the room being the pounding beat of his heart. 

_______

As expected it didn’t take long until Robin‘s time ran out as well. And this time Louis didn’t hear it through Liam but through Anne who called him only a few days after. 

He knew what she was about to say the minute he saw the familiar number on the display and heard her voice trembling after he picked up the call. And they talked for about an hour and cried together about the unfairness of this world and the cruelty of cancer itself and about the two beautiful souls that had to leave this world way too early. 

And he was so thankful for her. That she called him despite everything that had been going on between him and Harry, and that had eventually led to their break up. And that despite of all the people that she and Robin were close with, she still thought of him and called him as one of the first to tell. The way that somehow, she still saw him as a part of her family even though he really wasn’t anymore, almost brought tears to his eyes. 

And it was right before they were about to end the call that she asked him if he wanted to attend the funeral. She wasn’t hesitant about it for a second when she asked and the fact that she really wanted him to be there despite of the fact that him and Harry had been broken up for months now, made him tear up again. 

Of course he promised her that he would come if it was really okay with her and with Harry as well and she reassured him thousands of time that is was indeed okay and that it was his right to be there despite of the fact that him and Harry were no longer a couple. 

And it wasn’t until they said their goodbyes and promised to see each other soon that the ultimate realization hit him. He would see Harry again. He would see him again in person after seven months that he hadn‘t seen him and only communicated with him once over text. Seven long months that felt more like 10 years. 

But before he was truly ready to comprehend the thought of seeing Harry again, he received yet another message. This time it was Harry who texted him, asking him to not come to the funeral. 

Today my mom told me that she invited you to the funeral. I’m sorry if this might seem unthankful or disrespectful, but I would like to ask you not to come. After everything that happened between us, I don’t think that I am ready to see you again. I hope you can understand that. H. 

That’s all. Only four sentences. Four sentences that got stuck in Louis‘ head and that kept repeating themselves all over, again and again. So much that they seemed to become a part of him. 

And it wasn’t even that he couldn’t understand Harry. He could, very well. And he knew as well that it wasn’t Harry’s intention to offend him or disregard him. It was probably even for the better if he wouldn’t come to the funeral, to not cause a mess of awkwardness and confusion and forced polite interaction between them. He knew it was. And he really could understand Harry.

And he tried the best he could to not be affected by Harry’s text, but just couldn’t change the fact that he was still hurt by it. He tried so hard not to be and he knew that he shouldn’t be. But he still was.

It was really no wonder that Harry didn’t want to see him. It’s been eight months since they had broken up. That’s a long time. Time to move on, get over the past, forget the time they spent together. And that was apparently what Harry had done. 

And it was to expect. It really was. But there was still a part of Louis that died a little just because of the thought that apparently Harry was already over him when he himself wasn’t even close to being over Harry. In fact those last seven months of not communicating with each other hadn’t really change things for Louis. 

He had spent most of the time distracting himself from the pain and the emptiness he had felt after losing his mother and from the heartache he felt every day because he just couldn’t stop missing Harry. He couldn’t even stop thinking about him. No matter how hard he tried it was impossible. Even everything around him reminded him of Harry and the time they had spent together. 

Sometimes it was a stranger‘s voice, similar to Harry’s, that he heard walking around the streets, sometimes it was the mention of a color, a song, a clothing brand, or a movie that Harry had always liked and sometimes and that was the worst: One of his songs being played on radio. 

I had happened multiple times before when Louis was driving home from the studio, that he had started going to again, after months of being stuck in writers-block, or even when he was driving home from Doncaster because he had started to go back and see his family more, the whole situation with his mom only being a reminder of how precious every single second he spends with with family really is. 

He had sat in his car, distracted by his thoughts, when suddenly Harry started singing from the speakers right into his heart. To hear his voice without a warning was enough to almost let Louis accidentally crash his car by swerving into the wrong lane due to the shock. 

And for a few seconds he would just sit there, unable to move, still mesmerized by Harry’s voice, even more when he was singing than when he was talking, probably caused by the fact that they had spent five years working in the same band, singing together and writing songs about each other and their relationship that had been hidden from the public.

Hearing his voice again after so much time but knowing that from now on he wouldn’t be singing about or even for Louis anymore was enough to make him cry on the middle of the road. And it took him about an hour to calm down after hearing ‘Sign Of The Times‘ for the first time. 

That song and all the other ones on his whole album that Louis had sworn himself to never listen to because he knew it would hurt too much, but of course couldn’t help but listen to anyway. Already tearing up before even hitting play.

So he would lie if he said that he was anywhere close to being over Harry. That’s why it even hurt more to know that apparently it was different the other way around. But maybe it was just easier to get over him, to forget him. Which Harry seemed to have successfully done. 

______

That’s why it surprised him even more when Harry texted him again a day after the funeral and again a few weeks afterwards which slowly lead to them talking again. Over text only of course, telling each other about the easy stuff that was going on in their lives. Song releases, performances, awards and their families, desperately avoiding any topics that were too personal such as their feelings or their love life. 

But it was a beginning. And even though it was not much, Louis was glad. Because it meant he hadn’t lost Harry completely. He was still present in his life, even if only in a few texts they shared in a week. 

But at the same time it was not smart and he knew it. For Harry it must have been easy. He obviously didn’t have any feelings for Louis anymore and seemed to start indicating a friendship due to the fact that before getting together as a couple, the both of them had been best friends for a long time. They had formed a strong bond, only deepened by the history of amazing memories they had shared whilst being in the band and their dreams coming true. So with that being something that would always connect them no matter what and not just go away, he probably thought it would be a good idea to start talking again.

But it was clearly different for Louis. He was simply not ready to ‘just be friends‘ with Harry. To be ready he would have to let go of the time they had spent together as a couple, all the beautiful memories they shared, and of course his feelings for Harry. And he knew well enough he wasn’t ready to do that. He wasn’t even close to being ready to let it all go. It was pretty obvious.

He saw it in the way that he was putting way too much meaning into text messages until very soon it felt like every day was just conditioned by the question ‘did Harry text me today?‘ The answer to that question had the power to determine his whole mood for the day, leaving every day that passed by answering that question with a ‘yes‘ a good day and every day that ‘no‘ was the answer a bad day. 

And still it was just text messages. And Louis knew that he was way too attached to them, giving them way too much of a meaning. And he was also aware of the fact that it wasn’t helpful at all to text Harry so often when he still had feelings for him. What he really needed to do was distance himself, take some time for himself and let it go. 

And he knew well enough that was the right and the best thing for him to do, but he just couldn’t bring himself to push Harry away. Because he knew that it would only take one message to send to Harry, to tell him he didn’t want to talk to him anymore, for Harry to just accept his decision and leave him alone. That would be enough to end the small, fragile, awkward sort-of-friendship that they had begun to built up again over the last months, so he didn’t. He just couldn’t.

He didn’t tell Harry that he wanted him to stop texting him, knowing too well that it was a lie. Because he loved being in contact with Harry even though it was painful at the same time.  
Painful because somehow even after hours of telling himself that polite, short text messages didn’t mean the world or weren’t attached to any hard feelings he could watch himself still somehow beginning to hope. 

Hoping that one day it would be more than just messages. That one day they would start to see each other again and become proper friends and talk in real life and begin to talk about the deep stuff as well and not only about their jobs. And that alone was enough to keep the whole texting thing going because just the thought of being proper friends with Harry again after so much time was so wonderful, it almost took his breath away. Because he still missed him so much. Every single second of every single day that he spent without him.

So he took the awkwardness and the messages that felt way too formal and took the weird indicated small talk. He took it all for the small glimpse of hope that some day they would built a real friendship again.

But they didn‘t.

________

And up to this day they didn’t. And it’s a lot of time that has passed ever since Harry released his first album. Now, more than two years later they both have released multiple singles, as well as the both of them are currently working on an album to hopefully release at the end of the year. 

And right now Louis sits at his desk in his room, his computer in front of him, one YouTube video looking back at him from the screen, where he has spent the last hours, replaying the video multiple times. 

**Harry Styles – Lights Up (Official Video)**

And even though he has watched the video so many times already, he still feels like he wasn’t able to take everything in. Notice every small detail of yet another masterpiece Harry has created. It’s magnificent, just as he expected. Everything about it. 

The whole story that the video tells with every scene, the colors and the lightning, all the aesthetics, the lyrics that he has written so beautifully, powerful as always, and of course Harry himself, literally glowing in that video. He looks absolutely stunning. Gorgeous. Elegant. Delicate. Happy. 

Louis lets out a deep sigh. It doesn’t matter how many more times he will watch this video. He is sure it will do the same for him over and over again. Make him cry, make him smile, and at times just make him close his eyes to take it all in. All the emotions that one single music video managed to trigger inside him.

He is so deep in thought that the sound of his phone that is laying on the desk in front of him, bleeping almost makes him jump. Especially when he sees Harry’s name on the screen. Finally. The answer that he secretly has been waiting for the last hours since he texted him to congratulate him on the new single. And it wasn’t even much. Just a short message.

Just saw the music video for Lights Up. It completely blew me away. Amazing lyrics and amazing video. Well done.

So he hadn't really expected Harry to text him back so soon, since he normally takes his time answering and sometimes, when he is busy, doesn’t even answer before the next day. So Louis thought he’d have to wait for an answer, being well aware of the fact that on his single-release-day, Harry certainly would have better things to do than be on his phone the entire time and answer his text. 

Louis is pretty sure that Harry spends the day with his family and closest friends, celebrating and watching the fan’s reaction. And since Louis clearly isn’t one of those people anymore, he thought he’d at least have to wait until tomorrow morning for a reply. That’s why it even surprises him more to receive his answer so soon.

As he unlocks his phone he notices how his fingers are trembling. Of course they are. Unbelievable that after all this time a single text message still has this sort of effect on him. Especially because after two years of occasionally texting each other he should be used to Harry’s messages on his screen. He really should be. But he isn’t. And still, the fact that Harry unexpectedly texted him back so soon makes his heart beat like crazy.

Trying to maintain calm, he opens their chat to see Harry’s response.

Thank you very much. I really enjoyed making it and I’m very happy to see that the fans seem to like it so far.

That’s it. That’s his response. For a moment Louis can’t do anything but stare at the words that Harry wrote and try to steady his breathing. It was just a simple text anyway. Nothing to freak out about. 

That’s when he sees the three dots, telling that the other person is currently typing, appearing in their chat, causing his heartbeat to duplicate within a second. Then another message appears on the screen.

I will perform the new single on the ‘Later‘ show with Jools Holland on November 21.

Within the next minute Louis can watch the three dots appear and disappear again and again. And that alone is enough to drive him completely insane. Is Harry aware of the effect he still has on him? Does he know that no matter what he does he still has the power to make Louis‘ heart skip a beat? Just by doing the most insignificant things like typing a simple text message?

For the next minutes nothing happens. Harry types and then stop typing again, as if he was hesitant about the next thing he wanted to say. Until the dots appear again, just as if he made a decision. 

Do you want to come? 

What the-? No. This can’t be happening right now. I just can’t. He did not just -. Louis blinks, one time, two times, pinches himself in the arm, but no matter what he does, the message is still there. It’s still visible on his screen.

And for a moment it seems like the earth just stopped moving. The room starts to spin around in circles in front of his eyes. Louis tries to tell himself to breathe, in and out, but for some reason he can’t. All he can do is just stare at the message on his screen that just can’t be real. I can’t. It absolutely, definitely, seriously can’t. But somehow it is. Louis is sure that he is about to faint the next minute. 

It takes him at least five minutes that he just spends staring at his phone that is still laying in front of him, until he manages to calm down at least a bit and tells himself to stop freaking out about this text message. Just that the thing is, that it isn’t just a text message. It’s Harry, his ex-boyfriend, whom he haven’t seen in person in almost three years and who he only texted occasionally during those years, inviting him to one of his performances as if that‘s the most normal thing in the world. Just that it’s absolutely not. So, actually, he’s got every reason to be freaked out about this.

But most importantly: He needs to answer. Now. Not that Harry starts to think that he is ignoring him since he has already read the message minutes ago but not responded anything. Or even worse: What if he takes the invitation back?

Another wave of anxiety roles through Louis‘ body. So that’s why without hesitation, he grabs his phone and just types the first thing that comes to his mind. Something to clear up the confusion and give him an answer to all of the questions that are currently spinning around in his head.

Why would you want me to? 

Oh no. Why did he just sent that? That question sounds way too pissed. All he wanted to do was express his confusion towards Harry’s sudden invitation, but now he just sounds annoyed. Or unbothered. Like he doesn’t care. Like he doesn’t want to come and see him. Shit. 

Why didn’t he just think for a second before hitting send? Now Harry must think that he doesn’t want to come. Or worse, what if Louis‘ reaction just makes him change his mind? What if he doesn’t want him to come anymore?

For a few seconds Louis just sits there, watching his phone as well as regretting ever sending that response. Why did he do that? Just why? What if he fucked everything up now? What if Harry doesn’t even text back anymore? The more time passes, the more he begins to hate himself. Just as he is about to get up and throw his phone against the next wall out of regret and frustration, the dots appear again.

Immediately Louis eyes are focused on them to not miss the second that the reply will appear on his screen. Just that it doesn’t. For a minute he can watch the dots moving on the screen before they disappear again. Another minute passes by where nothing happens. He stares at his phone, unable to move, every second that nothing happens getting scarier and scarier. 

Harry must have changed his mind. He probably came to the conclusion that seeing Louis again after all this time just isn’t what he wants. Especially after the not so polite answer he received to his invitation.

When his screen goes black and ten minutes pass where nothing happens, he knows it.  
Harry changed his mind.

Maybe he was being rash when he invited him. Maybe he realized that after two years of not seeing each other and only speaking through texts it would be weird to just invite Louis to one of his performances as if nothing ever happened. 

As if they didn’t go from boyfriends to complete strangers that slowly turned into people that occasionally text each other, being close to friends but somehow not really friends. Talking about their jobs and families but somehow never about the really important stuff. The personal things that influence them the most. 

Maybe Harry realized that that isn’t enough to see each other again. That he only wants them to continue speaking through texts but not seeing each other. Maybe he has made his peace with that. Maybe he likes things to just stay that way. Apparently he does, because he clearly doesn’t still have feelings for his ex-boyfriend that he broke up with almost three years ago. 

Suddenly there is an incoming call shown on the screen. At first it almost makes Louis jump to see the display of his phone that he has spent the last minutes just staring at, lightning up, until he sees who’s name it is that is calling him. Calling him. 

And he reads it and he blinks, once, twice, still in shock that he is calling him. That Harry is really calling him. And he waits for a few seconds, for some reason unable to move or even touch the phone as if the call was just an imagination that would disappear as soon as he does so. But it doesn’t. 

And that’s when Louis realizes that it is real. Harry is really calling him. Harry Styles is calling him. Something that used to be the most normal thing in the world is now enough to make his heart beat like crazy and for him to stop breathing because this can‘t be happening right now. It just can’t. But somehow it still does.

It takes Louis all the strength that he has to steady his breathing, grab his phone and take the call. The minute he holds his phone to his ear he feels like passing out. 

At first there are only rustling noises on the other end that make him think that maybe Harry only called him by accident. What if he didn’t want to call him in the first place and just accidentally hit the wrong button? Happens. 

That’s when he hears a very familiar voice. **“Louis?“**

And this voice itself is enough to make his whole world stop for a second. He sits there in silence, pinching himself once and twice, blinking way too fast, trying to find out if this is real or just an imagination. Is this really happening? 

And for a minute or so he doesn’t hear anything but the pounding of his own heart. It’s beating so uncontrollably fast and so loud that he is sure that Harry must hear it as well.

Needless to say that he can’t answer, still struck by the voice that he didn’t hear in such a long time but that still has the power to make his heart jump. Just as much as the owner of that voice still does. And probably will forever.

 **“Louis? Can you hear me?“** Now there is concern in Harry’s voice.

Louis‘ hands are now shaking. It’s a wonder that he can still hold his phone without dropping it. In a weak attempt to calm down, he tells himself to answer. To just say something before Harry changes his mind and hangs up again. 

**“Um, yeah. I’m here, I mean, I can hear you.“**

To say that Louis‘ voice is trembling would be an understatement. It’s a wonder that he can even get a full sentence out. The fact that Harry just called him is beyond everything he would have ever expected. He would have thought of a small text message that contains a ‘thank you‘, and maybe a small comment about his sisters‘ school project that he just texted Harry about yesterday. That’s it. But never in a million years would he have expected Harry to just call him. Funny how it’s just a phone call that has the power to leave Louis in complete shock and make his heart race like crazy.

But it’s not only a phone call. It’s Harry calling him after three bloody years of not seeing each other and barely being in contact. Harry, that he still can’t stop thinking about and that he somehow still has feelings for even if it’s been what feels like ages, meaning that he should have gotten over him a long time ago. 

Harry, who’s text messages still make his heart skip a beat every time he reads them, even if it’s the most meaningless things they talk about. Harry, whose music video he has just spent hours rewatching all over again because he still can’t get over the fact that this man has the power to create such beautiful and magnificent art.

The same Harry that just decided to turn his whole world upside down just by calling him as if that would be the most normal thing in the world. Which it has been. Three years ago. But certainly not anymore.

 **“Did you see my text?“**

What kind of question is that? The way Louis has just freaked out plus his really inconsiderate reply are enough proof to show that he has.

He lets out an awkward cough. **“I have, yeah.“**

**“What do you say?“**

**“I still don’t understand why you would want me to come.“**

**“Isn’t that obvious?“**

Obvious. Obvious?! Nothing about this whole fucking situation is obvious. It is nothing but confusing and nerve-racking. Even just this conversation. It takes Louis all the strength he has to not drop his phone and start screaming because the simple fact that Harry, his ex-boyfriend Styles, just unexpectedly called him after not speaking in person or on the phone for years is still way too much to handle right now.

And then there is Harry, pretending like that’s the most normal thing in the whole world. Oh look, I just wanted to call to invite you to my performance. Wait, why are you thinking I don’t want you to come? I mean we broke up about three years ago and haven’t seen each other since but I’m just gonna pretend like me inviting you is a common thing I would do. So, what do you say?

The absurdness of this situation almost makes Louis cackle. 

**“No it’s not. I mean, we haven’t seen each other since the...funeral.“**

It’s completely silent on the other end and just as Louis thinks that Harry might have just ended the call, he hears a deep sigh. 

**“Yeah. It’s been a long time hasn’t it?“**

He coughs awkwardly, trying to get rid of the lump that has built up in his throat. **“Yeah. That’s true.“**

Then, within a second, he makes a decision. 

**“I would love to come and see you perform, I absolutely love the song. You really smashed it, especially the video.“**

He can hear Harry letting out a small chuckle. **“Thank you.“**

**“I just want you to be sure that you really want me to be there.“**

**“I do. And I am.“**

That’s it. Louis is sure that he is gonna pass out. This is just too much to handle.

**“So, are you going to come?“**

He has too maintain all the strength that he has to not scream or jump and run around because he just doesn’t know how to handle this. Harry wants him to be there. He really wants Louis to see him perform.

**“Yes. How could I not?“**

Even though he can’t see him right now, he knows that Harry is smiling. He hears it in his voice. It’s a small smile, that is mostly visible in his eyes. It’s one of them smiles where Harry’s dimple pops out only on one side, because his mouth is barely smiling. But his eyes are all crinkled up and sparkling in a way that is just so beautiful yet indescribable. 

And sometimes Louis thinks that this smile was all it took for him to completely fall head over heals for Harry. And the worst thing is that he can see it in front of him when he closes his eyes and it absolutely kills him. Oh, how he missed that smile.

 **“So, I’ll see you there?“**

Now a smile creeps its way on Louis‘ face as well. Just that it isn’t small or subtle. He is grinning so wide that it hurts and he doesn’t even try to stop it because he knows that would be completely pointless.

**“Yes, one hundred percent.“**

**“Okay. So...goodbye, Lou.“**

Lou. Lou. **LOU!**

**“Goodbye, Harry.“**

________

It takes Louis minutes or maybe even hours until he is able to move again. By the time he finally gets up from his chair it’s already dark outside, so he hurrys to put on a few lights in his house.

His phone is dead by now, but even after plugging it in, he can’t really do anything but to just stare at it. Unable to comprehend what happened. Overwhemled by all the feelings that were whirled up inside him today. And still in complete shock due to the fact that Harry really called him. He called him. Like that’s the most normal thing in the world. And he wants Louis to see him perform. He really does.

Slowly Louis feels a smile creeping up on his face once again and he’s not even trying to do anything about it. Because he is completely overwhelmed. And he is tired, and confused, and anxious, and excited, and a little scared.

But overall he is happy. Happy that he’s gonna see Harry again after all these years. Happy, that Harry took that step in his direction to call him again. Happy that they will get to see each other again. Even though it’s definitely gonna be awkward and overwhelming to see him again after all this time. 

And still he doesn‘t know what this whole thing means. Why Harry wants him to come to his performance. Or even what‘s gonna happen when he’s gonna be there. But he is sure of one thing. Completely, positively, undoubtly sure. Something is about to change. Very soon.


End file.
